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2006-11-30 - 12:29 p.m. La dee da. I am falling so behind in school work at the moment, and I actually don't know where all my time is disappearing. I have knitting projects on the go, I have weekends out of town and dog walks and clients at the counseling center and beautiful things to dream about... It feels as though my last days in California are just slipping through my fingers. Hard to be present and in the moment with so much forward-thinking. Hard to do homework when I'd rather be packing to go home. Amazing and wonderful things will be happening over the next few weeks. There are a few that I really want to post about, but another part of me thinks the surprise will be much more enchanting, so I'm trying hard to keep my little mouth shut. Synchronicity blows my mind. I have my Reiki II class next Tuesday. Might even do Reiki III, if all goes well and time (and funds) permits. I have a Xmas tree hunting expedition with my dear friend Mary and her lovely children, followed by whatever devilry we get up to once we pawn the kids off on their dad. A trip to San Fran, a trip to Santa Cruz, and who knows how many stops on the way home -- definitely Wolf Creek for Solstice and some other beautiful places as well. It's not so much that I have anything brilliant to say, as that I would rather avoid doing my progress notes, because one of my clients is disturbing me in a very deep and fundamental way and I'm having trouble working through my own concerns about hir to a place where I can "objectively" just describe what I saw in session and let go of having to know how to "fix" it in the two remaining sessions we have before the term's end. That, and some unexpected interpersonal conflicts between my friends -- none of which involve me, but in which I am foreseeing myself caught in the middle. So I'm trying to come up with ways to extricate myself before I'm back in town and things actually become uncomfortable. And then this silly broken beautiful Pumpkin that I'm trying to sell on eBay, which is a surprising headache when people don't follow the payment directions. Caveat Vendor. Hmm. What else. Things with the man I was dating down here are crumbling in a very slow-motion-type way, painfully drawn out in fact... I suppose it's better than having yet another long-distance relationship when I move back home. But it feels very uncomfortable to me to see such a lack of potential in a friendship -- not because he isn't sweet, or interesting, or funny... just because he's really hurting and unable to be emotionally present. Don't know whether that is a constant pattern or just how he's dealing with life at the moment. In either case, I find it frustrating, because I can't get close to him on a friendship level, which really just makes hanging out with him boring to me. I can talk abstract ideas and politics and theory and Foucault all night with someone, but if at the end of the conversation they can't tell me how they're feeling... Such a contrast to my time with Anna, which I'm sure some of you have read about on her blog. Yeah, so much heart space. We had this one conversation... It started off as a really difficult chat (we have different styles of communicating at times, so there was some discomfort over the way I brought up this topic) and it ended with tears in both of our eyes as we marvelled at how the other didn't seem to realize how much we valued and loved one another. It was SO sweet, I'm getting all misty-eyed just thinking of it now. And HELLA good times, too much gin, too many beautiful people, lots of dancing... Yeah. Compare and contrast. I love sparkly people. ... Yes. I don't know how to explain the way I'm feeling these days. Very un-grounded, at least the days I spend in Fresno. My room is a mess, my homework is not getting done, I'm eating well and paying attention to my needs but it feels as though I'm just floating through time. Even packing feels like a lot of effort, and I haven't really done much of it yet. Having a van and being out on the coast so much earlier this term really gave a different feel to Fresno, and now that one van is being sold and the other is in the shop for a couple days more, I feel oddly stranded again, and very comatose. Productivity levels are WAY down. I'm regretting not having taken more classes this term, because it seems that the external stimulus is really good for me -- deadlines and such -- I don't seem to self-motivate very well in this particular city. Poor Fresno -- I blame hir for so much. So there is a To Do list for the week that definitely involves organizing all the stuff I'm going to ship back home, and getting my room sorted, and getting some of my final assignments done ahead of time so I have more time to pack as the term draws to a close. And there is this HUGE desire to spend more time with the people I really value down here, and a total recognition that this may not happen because of transportation constraints on my part and time constraints on their part. It's going to be strange to miss people in California once I'm back in Edmonton, to have to reverse the direction of my efforts at keeping connected. So many beginnings down here. I'm really excited to keep these connections present and growing. --mopheaded is all over the map
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