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2006-12-21 - 1:22 p.m. Empty Space It is the Solstice, the shortest day of the year, and I am delayed in Fresno by this day -- thank goodness a short one -- because the I-5 is closed for today along the stretch up to Wolf Creek. So I am hunkering down in my soon-to-be-former digs with some cleaning supplies and some good books, and I'm going to read and recite and spic-n-span until Kaweah and GChick come over to help me clear out the fridge around dinner time. Sad to be missing the Solstice revels up at Wolf Creek, but excited to be there tomorrow night (assuming no one calls Faggot-Only, in which case I'll just keep on truckin'). I was lamenting a lack of a song a few days ago on my drive home from Visalia, post-Santa Cruz. Ever have those moments where you rack your brains for the one song whose lyrics will totally express how you're feeling, and you SO want to bust it out, only to realize it hasn't been written yet? Well, that was me on Monday afternoon, and I just spent a half hour laying on my newly-swept bedroom floor singing the song of my heart's joy. Assuming no further delays, I should be back home just after Boxing Day staying at the Treehouse and reconnecting with my friends, family, and lovers in town. I'm really nervous and excited and joyous, and then there's a little voice inside my heart that's also feeling a little bit ambivalent. Because, to be honest, it isn't California that I hate. It's just Fresno. So a little bit of me is worried that I gave up on the whole state so easily, and even considering whether I ought to give 'er another go later on. Get licensed in Alberta and Cali and just bounce back and forth until my heart finds home. Or perhaps I just really fear transitions. Which I know to be somewhat true. I love beginnings, I love middles, I hate endings. Of ANY sort. It's a pattern that makes me somewhat flaky on my own projects. Like sending someone a collection of the poems I wrote for him nearly two years after we broke up, cuz I kept forgetting to finish it. Or not finishing sweaters and kid hats and gloves. Or ... anything, really. Essays. Relationships. Knitting. Books I'm reading. I love to start things. It's the follow-through that I'm going to focus on improving this year. Empty space to fill and it feels like I need to make some resolutions for the coming year. Foremost in my thoughts is to give other people space to put energy into things, not to take over projects or relationships but to just sit back and trust that people will do what I need them to, or they won't, but that I don't always have to be the one to do it. I noticed that alot in my closing sessions with one of my clients (but not the other?!) that I really wanted to do so much of the work FOR her because I haven't really seen her working in our sessions. But I want more connection and more independence at the same time, and that feels possible if I just ask OTHER people to pick up my slack and stop over compensating. And hold people to the agreements they make and expect brilliance. When did I stop expecting that? When I started to be let down by it. This is SO stream-of-consciousness and slightly crap and I think it's because I've not had any coffee today, but I also know that it's Delete-Nothing Thursday, so I can't do anything about it.
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